Light the lanterns…I have arrived Kathleen Dean Dec 28 2014

English: Chinese lanterns in the nightsky of L...
English: Chinese lanterns in the nightsky of Lijiang, Yunnan Province, China (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Light the lanterns…I have arrived Kathleen Dean ~ Dec 28, 2014

Your memories called out to me; I walked to your heart and found my own.

I almost imagined your smile; like an unfinished letter, it was impossible to call you back.

At your death, they painfully denied my request to go with you.

“Is it the fare?” I asked. “There is enough money.

Maybe I need to get my bag packed first.

Do I need to call anyone? Why can’t I go too?”

The guardian at the door stood silent not answering a single question.

Then replied,

“I must turn you away is not your turn, not yet, some day.”

Despite his remark, I decided to wait feeling that if he saw my pain the Almighty might change his mind.

I shouted,

“I will grab a brick and break a window!”

I was prepared to explain what a wonderful husband you were. Surely, he will understand how much I will miss you.

“I am willing to pay the fee.”

No amount of money or tears will bring you back. Truth is you have never left.

I move on through the days and nights opening up each one carefully with the knowledge that I would find a glimpse of your, our, life.

There they were I eagerly started toward them. Our wedding day; the first thing I saw was you sitting in the ER at Mercy Hospital because you had rice stuck in your left ear.

English: Traditional street lanterns
English: Traditional street lanterns (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The nurse laughed, “So you’re the reason I could not sleep, all those cars that were being driven up and down my street blowing their horns. Maybe I ought to leave that rice in there.”

We felt so lost when the bank manager rejected our request for a loan. We had applied in not one, but three different banks to purchase a home. To think they claimed we were too young.

Grandpa Brown told us not to worry, “Buying a house was like catching a street car. Another one would come along.”

A month later, we were able to get our dream place along the shores of Knox Lake.

Not all doors open up into a pleasant memory. There are some where no one answers my calls for help. In my darkest hours, I sense thee,  by smell of laughter mixed in with shades of light as the sun peeps over the trees.

Shaking off depression I feel more than hear a voice,

“This will work out you are not alone.”

So far, I have managed not to do myself in, cause an accident, or bodily injury. Some mornings I must look like the wicked witch of the west though.

It is amazing what a bath and a little make-up can do for a body.

“So where do you think you’re going?”

Ramadan lanterns from below, Road 9, Maadi, Ca...
Ramadan lanterns from below, Road 9, Maadi, Cairo, Egypt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…I do not know.

I was beginning to believe that there were no more rooms left… all vacant, all dark.

Pain lurks in the shadows, I have found book of matches that will light my way.

There are many days and years ahead for me. They are pointing towards tomorrow, carefully selected.

Light the lanterns. I have arrived.

 
 

The Sleeping Porch ~ Kathleen Dean ~ Guest Author as we celebrate 84,000 views on this blog

 

Sunbursts Peaking Through The Forest Canopy

THE SLEEPING PORCH by: Kathleen Dean

Somewhere in the fringes of my mind

are visions of a quieter time

ready to whisk me away

to the secret places of the heart.

The imprisonment of daily living

cries out for solitude

amongst mountain hide-aways

that are only found in my dreams,

where they are tucked away,

clothed in shades of green and earthy smells

that can tingle the senses.

Gradually the cares of this world diminish,

for one-by-one I have given them wings,

lest their grief might linger.

My soul has been turned over

to a passage of time not governed by man.

Slowly, I choose not to look

back to any regrets of the day.

I find myself seeking comfort

that only my Heavenly Father can give,

He so willingly fills up

those empty places in my day

Opaque visions begin to take shape

as this body releases its busy schedule called life.

You live up there Lord

and I down here on this earthen floor.

Scenic Alaska Mountains
Scenic Alaska Mountains (Photo credit: Accretion Disc)

How long have I hungered

for this mountain hillside,

Mountain Hillside
Mountain Hillside (Photo credit: MixedUpMedia/Mari W)

crowned with laurel in honor of summer.

Where wild grape vines grow,

hanging from branches

lopping ever downward

to reach to the ground.

They beg to be swung on.

The physical presence of nature is everywhere,

helping me to shake loose the trappings of this world.

Standing quietly on a narrow deer trail,

I want to move on knowing I cannot go back.

There just isn’t enough time Lord

to walk every footpath.

In my youthful years I didn’t realize

the distance I would walk as an adult.

Tenderly, my hand reaches out

to touch cool water collected in a basin

carved in a solid rock by Mother Nature‘s tears.

English: Middle Tor Rock Basin Thought to be f...
English: Middle Tor Rock Basin Thought to be formed by the action of frost and wind. See http://www.legendarydartmoor.co.uk/rock_basins.htm (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Licking the moisture from my finger tips

I choke up inside for the loss of words

to describe these emotions that I feel.

“Ahhhh” just “Ahhhh”

escapes from my heart.

Once more I have been blessed

to find this sleeping porch

surrounded by the windows of God.

I have found your place where your breath

Fern bed under a forest canopy in woods near F...
Fern bed under a forest canopy in woods near Franklin, Virginia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

continually washes over me

as needed sleep overtakes this human body.

No longer am I shackled

by thoughts of sorrow

for these precious moments

with you have provided

the rest my soul so desires.

Dear God,
Thank you for this sleeping porch and the peace I have found within it. Help me to forget past mistakes Lord. There is a better way, and easier one, I am sure only now, I cannot find it without your continual guidance.
The story behind the poem…
The Sleeping Porch by: Kathleen Dean Written late summer 2007 after the lost of my father, Art Brown.
We have all had those days when you wanted to scream “I am just so tired Lord.” Or “Oh, for the enjoyment of peace from worries for just one day Lord.” Do not feel discouraged. Our Heavenly Father has promised his faithful children rest from turmoil if we but follow him. The here and now: Exodus 33:14 “And he said, my presence shall go with thee and I will give thee rest.” He invites us to come to him: Matthew 11:28-29 “Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden and I will give you rest. And for the future: Revelation 14:13 “Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth; Yea saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and their works shall follow them.” God will give us peace of mind when we call on Him in faith believing. But where will we go to find this peace?
English: Author:Robert E. Nylund Source:Person...
English: Author:Robert E. Nylund Source:Personal photos (Nov. 2005) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In the early mid 1900’s many homes had a porch that one could rest on for the afternoon nap or for a visit after dinner with family. Usually there was a front porch plus a screened-in porch that was located at the back of the home for more privacy. Our wringer-washer and tubs sat on our back-porch. The front porch was a wee-bit fancier. Besides the usual table and chairs there were a few stands for flowers and a comfortable rocking chair. At one end of the porch would be a long Davenport placed near the living-room window. It was waiting, inviting, for someone to take an afternoon nap or possibly even to sleep there all night when the weather was hot and sticky. This outdoor room was an extension of the home. Most people referred to the closed in room as the sleeping porch. This is where my idea for “THE SLEEPING PORCH” came from. One evening my heart was heavy with burdens. I needed some of peace in my life and found it in our Heavenly Father’s sleeping porch.

I put a rock in my pocket (a journey of grief and healing)

img_0501
Jasper rock gathering MaryHelen Ferris

Both of my parents loved the autumn.   They died within 60 days of each other.  I had not dealt with the grief.  I needed to go to the mountains.  I needed a rock in my pocket.   Here are the ramblings and tumblings of words in grief as I journeyed to find that rock.   Not knowing I would return to this place of grief and growth often, and especially in the autumn.

I watched the sky.
I wondered ‘why?’
I watched my pain
Formed into rain.
It renewed the earth as it fell.
The earth sprung up
Into the mountainous skies.
The beauty of the mountains acted  as shards to Soul.
I caressed the shards with my eyes; wanting them  to cut deep.

Cut away the dross.

Cut away the loss.
The peaks were covered with misty fog.
The peaks were covered in rain.
The peaks were breathing in glorious snow.
I was very jealous.
I needed to feel that connected.
I wanted to lie on the top mountain peak.
I wanted to caress the forest’s floor.
I wanted to know.
I wanted to be.
I wanted to be real.
I craved renewal and purpose.
I needed to be free of the pain of your passing.
I wanted to feel.
Stillness.
Freedom.
I longed for a mission.
I had to have the compulsion to go onward.
I did not feel anything like that at all.
Then the Sun came out.
It silhouetted the trees
Covered them in a raindrop-halo which glistened.
While they danced in the breeze beauty poured over me,
  Beauty bombarded Soul, beauty went through me.
I drove away whole.
Now in the rear-view mirror
I have my direction.
I will return to the mountains
I will walk through the valleys and peaks.
I will do the next ‘right thing’.
I will be a mountain or raindrop.
Depending on the day.
I will be in touch with my life.
I will learn to say “no
To the needs of another
When my own needs are intense.
I will return to these mountains
when I need to get in touch
With my departed parents
Whom I longed to hold so much.
I put a rock in my pocket.

photo by Sonny Alfredo Galea
Jasper National Park photo by Sonny Alfredo Galea

Christmas in August – a focus on grief – w o r k in progress

Visiting the grief today

feels like celebrating Christmas in August

I see you in the corner

of the kitchen smiling.

I hear your voice on the phone

When I have not finished dialing.

I feel your heat in lectures

From folks I chance to meet.

I reflect back on the rawness of the grief

Six months after you had gone.

I wanted to tie it up

in a bright ribbon

and put it away

Visiting the grief today

feels like celebrating Christmas in August

Christmas  felt  like a play rehearsal.

The stars, were missing.

(You  had  already gone

to the great Broadway in the sky) .

Act One, had already been performed .

Your  work here was done.

Because of your love and your life

It is,  for me,  Christmas everyday.

Some moments,  

do not feel like presents.

Some moments,  

I feel stuffed and overfed with grief.

Some hours pass,

 now,  when I refuse to believe you are gone.

Some moments,

 I feel your presence.

I see you in the corner

of the kitchen smiling.

I hear your voice on the phone

When I have not finished dialing.

I feel your heat in lectures

From folks I chance to meet.

Those  are the moments

when you nestle in my heart.

 The  goodness of your intentions,

Your  laughter and your inventions

take hold,  giving  me a new start.

Then,  it becomes  Christmas everyday.

I send you love on your Journey.

I embrace your memories.

I embrace your memories.

That makes everyday Christmas.

Snapshot_20130303_1Christmas in August

what a concept.

Invite your friends over.

Have turkey, ham, and all

the trimmings what a trip.

Grief is like Christmas in August.

No one understands

what you are celebrating.

No one understands

what you are feeling.

(Least of all yourself !)

Unless of course, they have grieved.

So why not revisit the grief?

Know why

you are aching still.

Know if

you have stopped the denial.

If you are still looking

for them on yonder hill.

Finding out if the letting go

Gives you space

To let in…

Do you have space in your life?

Is facing the grief like

addressing the pile of laundry

or dishes to be washed?

Grief is you missing a part of yourself

That is one “helluva” cost.

I told someone

“I am tired of missing

those who are gone”.

Then they said “Don’t”

“Don’t miss them.

Celebrate them.

Have their favorite meal.

Sing their songs.

They are in your life today

IF you let them.

Invite them along.”

When they finally had my attention

Then they softly said

When you are ready

 there is something else you can do.

Some thing you can engage

Some thing that may ring true.

Take your grief to your Creator,

Your Inner Master,

the highest part of yourself,

your Sage.

Write it all down.

Start at the top of the page.

Ask to visit your loved ones

In the dream state or in Soul flight

Ask to learn about their Journey

Ask to set things right.

The answers may  come in a moment

The answers may  come overnight

But slowing down

your life to address the loss

Could help make many things right.

You and the Creator have the answer

Of the story you feel is untold,

Learn beloved Soul

About your self

Your family

Your joys

Your losses

There are many more stories to unfold.

When you do learn to embrace it

The sorrow

The pain

The rainbows

The laughter

You have worlds to gain.

You can sing in the sunshine

You can laugh in the rain

You can learn about yourself

Your beloveds and the benefits of pain.

An ode to my old Beloved – (which is owed)

http://wp.me/paK5s-h


Snapshot_20110901_2

Oh, my Beloved,

Do you not see,

Your own 

Beauty

 Purpose:

To be happy,

joyous

 free?

“Being”:

open

to the adventure

willing

to explore

Consecrated

 waiting

Loving

giving

all ways

and always

learning

laughing

more. 

“It was not that he did not want her

to be Mrs. George.

It was that he did not want

to be Mr. MaryHelen.”

Getting Answers in Dreams ~Harold Klemp ~The Spiritual Exercises of ECK

ECKANKAR
ECKANKAR (Photo credit: networker)

 

 

Getting Answers in Dreams

At some level Soul knows everything. If there is something that you would like to bring into consciousness, here is a way to get help.

Before you go to sleep, relax and decide that upon awakening you will have an answer to whatever it is that you desire.

When you awaken, it will be in the forefront of your thoughts. At the moment of slipping from or into sleep, you are opened to truth and in direct contact with it. It is at this point that you will perceive your answer.

Immediately make note of it in your dream journal.

We know that there is an answer for every situation that comes up in our life. There is always a way, somehow. What holds us back is our attitudes.

Learn the value of doing a spiritual exercise just before retiring or upon awakening. It works to your advantage during these times of change in conscious awareness.

Sri Harold Klemp
The Spiritual Exercises of ECK

The Spiritual Exercises of ECK

By Harold Klemp

A how-to collection of 131 spiritual exercises for spiritual growth and upliftment.

Available at local and online bookstores and the Eckankar Online 

This person can not be reached at the moment…….is a LIE

English: Image of comet C/1996 B2 (Hyakutake),...
English: Image of comet C/1996 B2 (Hyakutake), taken on 1996 March 25, with a 225mm f/2.0 Schmidt Camera (focal length 450mm) on Kodak Panther 400 color slide film. Exposure 0:56 to 1:06 UT (10 minutes). The field shown is about 6.5°x4.8°. Note the prominent disconnection event in the comet’s ion tail. Stars in the image appear trailed, as the camera tracked the comet during the exposure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Hubble Space Telescope Advanced Camera for Sur...
Hubble Space Telescope Advanced Camera for Surveys image of Comet 73P/Schwassmann-Wachmann 3 fragment B on 2006 April 18, 19 and 20. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Comet SWAN 2006-11-15
Comet SWAN 2006-11-15 (Photo credit: Michael Karrer)

Lost, alone, and troubled 

Our children

Need our love and support.

Our youth

Need our love and support.

Lost, alone and troubled

Our parents 

Need our love and support. 

Lost, alone and troubled

Our homeless of all ages 

Need our love and support. 

Dust forms in my mouth 

when I hear

“This person cannot be reached at the moment.”

Hogwash,

We can keep the light on.

We can keep on keeping on.

We can be there for them

When they finally believe

This person can not be reached at the moment……

IS A LIE.

All of us can connect.

We can stand for one another.

We can protect those who have no voice.

Our lives can be the beacon 

For those who think they have no choice. 

The mission, the mirror and lesson……..

English: : A mirror, reflecting a vase. Españo...

The mission was simple.

 I was to be a mirror  for the Sunlight of the Spirit.

 I was to show you your beauty.

How was I to do that?

Someone said  ”Life has a way of teaching us the lesson we are to learn  in order for us to fulfill our mission.”

I  thought I  needed to do only one thing.

 Change every thing about myself so that I could:

  • Love anyway
  • Give anyway
  • Listen anyway
  • Be there for you
  • Be present for myself

There came to a point that I was exhausted.  

I felt like a fraud.

How could I show you your beauty…did not know of my own?

Was the love I was sharing truly helpful?

Was I short circuiting your growth by providing every thing you needed?

What about my needs, wants, desires?

“I am only human…perhaps on a divine mission…but what is in it for me?”

My heart was breaking.

My mind failed me as I struggled to be the mirror.

Then came the crisis.  

 (In one of the Eastern languages “crisis ” and “opportunity”

are represented by symbols that are similar)

I could not see where the strength to fight to go on would come from.

 So I stopped fighting.

I, the “mother-hugger of the universe” asked for help.

I stood back, asked for help.  

Cleared up the wreckage of my past.  

Packed a bag and came to my family home to rest and heal.

Repeated the cycle being a mirror for another group of people when  I lived in  the  lodge.

I crashed and could barely speak to ask for help.  

 I was hospitalized.

 I asked for no tv nor phone.

Spirit had my attention.

 I was in the position of surrender….flat on my back.

“All righty then,“  I said to the Master of my heart,

….you have my attention…..NOW WHAT.

Words did not come:

  •  

 

Words did not come: hugging, singing and other languages did.   Not English….only garble.   So I

sang…songs of my Mother`s faith, nursery rhymes, and chants from my friends sweat lodges and the

healing song of HU.

I asked for help.

The mirror of Soul that I wanted to be  was turned inward.

Was I truly loving that which I was.

Was I treating myself with the respect I gave others.

Was I serving with unconditional love to myself so that I would have the energy, joy and love to give to you.

The mirror was slowly cleaned and the fog lifted….it was washed with tears of Joy.

I was free to be me with my love of  family , friends , bubble  gum, hugs and laughter…and  Soul

 

sang within me.    The words are carefully chosen.  There is very little of the mask of the old mirror

that has not been broken and replaced.

The mirror is in training…It is learning to claim its space, sing its song and look for the Sunlight of

Spirit to highlight each moment.

The mission is clearer.

Only a clear clean mirror that knows its beauty can reflect yours back to you.

Perhaps my Journey to become that,  is the mirror you need.

Not the one you wanted me to be.

We all struggle dear heart.

I wanted to fulfill my mission.

Only that determination has carried me to the feet of the Master and over the speed bumps I created along the way.

People in my life are mirrors to teach me what I have just finished learning or what I need to learn.

Thank you for being one of them.

Thanks to the Master of my heart for shining love  and answering the call.

English: Old make-up mirror. Deutsch: Alter Sc...