I put a rock in my pocket (a journey of grief and healing)

img_0501

Jasper rock gathering MaryHelen Ferris

Both of my parents loved the autumn.   They died within 60 days of each other.  I had not dealt with the grief.  I needed to go to the mountains.  I needed a rock in my pocket.   Here are the ramblings and tumblings of words in grief as I journeyed to find that rock.   Not knowing I would return to this place of grief and growth often, and especially in the autumn.

I watched the sky.
I wondered ‘why?’
I watched my pain
Formed into rain.
It renewed the earth as it fell.
The earth sprung up
Into the mountainous skies.
The beauty of the mountains acted  as shards to Soul.
I caressed the shards with my eyes; wanting them  to cut deep.

Cut away the dross.

Cut away the loss.
The peaks were covered with misty fog.
The peaks were covered in rain.
The peaks were breathing in glorious snow.
I was very jealous.
I needed to feel that connected.
I wanted to lie on the top mountain peak.
I wanted to caress the forest’s floor.
I wanted to know.
I wanted to be.
I wanted to be real.
I craved renewal and purpose.
I needed to be free of the pain of your passing.
I wanted to feel.
Stillness.
Freedom.
I longed for a mission.
I had to have the compulsion to go onward.
I did not feel anything like that at all.
Then the Sun came out.
It silhouetted the trees
Covered them in a raindrop-halo which glistened.
While they danced in the breeze beauty poured over me,
  Beauty bombarded Soul, beauty went through me.
I drove away whole.
Now in the rear-view mirror
I have my direction.
I will return to the mountains
I will walk through the valleys and peaks.
I will do the next ‘right thing’.
I will be a mountain or raindrop.
Depending on the day.
I will be in touch with my life.
I will learn to say “no
To the needs of another
When my own needs are intense.
I will return to these mountains
when I need to get in touch
With my departed parents
Whom I longed to hold so much.
I put a rock in my pocket.

photo by Sonny Alfredo Galea

Jasper National Park photo by Sonny Alfredo Galea

dreaming out loud (this has a copyright)*contest entry

Living with Nature

I am dreaming that

I have become

the divine feminine gentle Soul.

I am dreaming that

I have a child on the way.

I am dreaming that

I am beloved of one

of The Beloved’s own.

I am dreaming that

I have freedoms all the way

to worlds unknown.

I am dreaming that

love will have its say.

I am dreaming that

love has healed me

and made me whole.

Oh,  my goodness

Oh,  for heaven’s sake

I am not dreaming.

This is my true life

I am truly wide awake.

The Virgin was not

the only one

Who was  blessed

among women.

I am.

I am that

because of the love

of the Creator.

I am that

because of the love

that has been so

freely given to me

I am that

because in my Soul

I am truly free.

I am that

because in every day
in each every way

each day

I am getting better and better.

I am becoming

more like Thee.

I see your love

in every rock and tree and flower

I see more love

behind the eyes of my neighbour

I see it growing by the hour.

I am living the dream

That Soul came here to dream.

I gaze into your eyes

It is then I realize

You are living the same dream.

How blessed we are

beloved dear heart

That each day is so full

of the love of the Creator

For all of us

Now I surrender

To do my part.

The still small voice that is never still

The still small voice within

sends its love to all the world 

The still small voice within me

holds its love in a never-ending whirl

The still small voice within the music

within me spirals out into the song

The still small voice within the laughter

is so glad you came along.

The still small voice that is never still

Is bending searching and yielding

Opening now to do Thy will.

The still small voice within thy will

Opens now to the cosmic sea

The still small voice within the Joy

can now just let it be. 

The still small voice within the laughter 

contains the magic of living

The still small voice with my heart

Has a brand new way of forgiving. 

So let us take heart in the midst of the storm

Knowing the still small voice within us all

Will guide us safely home…

Within the guidance of that love within the still small voice

Is love and peace to share.

Within the love I found you my love

I am so glad that you are there.

Within the still small voice within you

There is peace and harmony

Within the still small voice within us all

Is a place we can be together

Within the still small voice is the place we can be free. 

When I am sitting seemingly alone

I am actually within the still small voice

Dancing at heaven’s throne.

Face in the Mountain stream

Mother Earth's Temple

Home

Summer’s end is fast approaching.

My wander lust has taken its grip.

I want to go to the mountains.

I want to hug a forest.

I want to sip

Of that sweet,  sweet honey

the forest has to offer just now.

I want to scream, laugh, cry, 

shout and dance about.

Lay down among the pines,

the spruces,

the oak

in the peaceful  silence; 

no doubt.

I want to lay in the coolness of the mosses.

I want to disappear into the trees.

I want to wander there forever.

I want to only return on the breeze.

I want to run away forever.

I want to claim the cloud as my friend.

I have  had  all I can take of the waiting….

Now that I know of your love.

I want to bask in the laughter and music

That bring me close to my Home up above.

I  want to be out in the forest.

I want to be hunkered down  by the brook.

I want to sit and talk with the fairies.

I want to share a craggy old nook.

I want to surrender to and within nature.

I want to be free and to cook

A meal on one more campfire.

I want to swim and fish and to dream.

I want to take this broken old body

Allow it  to play out its desires.

I want to put my face in the stream.

I want to be one with the Mountain of God.

Only then will I be ready for winter.

Only then will I be truly serene.

I want to lie with a rock as my pillow.

I want to gaze and play with the stars

I want to skip past Venus and Mars.

I want to hear the celestial music

I want the Light and Sound

to be tangible and ringing again within.

I want to start back in the forest.

It is the only place

I can remember….

Who I am as Soul

Why I am here

Where I have been.

I want to climb out on the limb

of  the tallest tree.

I want to look across the river of Life

I want to just let it Be.

I want to lay in the coolness of the mosses.

I want to disappear into the trees.

I want to wander there forever.

I want to only return on the breeze.

Service is the Silence

img_0287

Photo with Sonny Galea  Jasper National Park      September 1, 2008

When I come to the place of Silence

With a heart full of laughter and joy.

It is in that moment

That I am the Master’s toy.

When I allow Him to give me instructions

When I put His work at the ‘fore

When I dedicate all my energy and actions

When I live here “as below so above”.

I do not have to wait for the rapture

I serve in the moment with love.

Then I know that this lifetime is more.

More of His infinite mercy

More of His boundless gifts

More opportunities of service

More of His children to lift.

A smile, a hug or a greeting

Acknowledges the Soul I am meeting.

Then there is no surprise

That  I see the Master

In  another eyes.




“Thou Art That”

img_02591Photo MaryHelen Ferris/Sonny Galea     Chapel in the Forest       Jasper National Park Canada

I read in a beautiful book

“Thou are That.”

Joyous  thoughts filtered

Through my very being.

I am connected

To the That within.

I am connected

To the That without.

I am connected

To the Creator of all beauty.

I am connected

In the dead of winter

To the chapel in the forest.


I am at peace.

Nature’s Healing Circle

I

 Photo Courtesy    Sonny Galea        Wild Wilderness Photography Grande Prairie, Alberta                      

In my first healing circle

We gathered in the North.

My teachers were very patient.

They had me study

Every rock and tree each blade of grass.

They took me to the SweatLodge.

They told me stories by the fires.

They opened up my old wounds.

They planted deep desires.

Now in memories

I return to that place.

I work on the healing.

I go into that space.

The healing circle in this beautiful tree

Brings much healing to you and to me.

The forest is calling each Seeker

Each friend

Each lost one still out in the storm…

Come to my branches

I will heal you.

I will keep you warm.”

The forest is healing

With its deep peace within.

I love its silence.

I love its majestic roar.

I love that the forest

 Keeps teaching me more.

I long to lay on that wonderous

Mossy floor.

I long to lay my head on yonder stone.

Not once in the forest have I ever been alone.

The healing circle

Nature’s healing circle

Can open up space

It is in that circle

I learned of the Creator’s grace.

Now I cruise the backwoods

Through the lens of a friend.

I travel over keyboards

I learn love without end.

So take a moment in your busy day

Go hug that tree

It will teach to you to pray.

My home is a palace…a temple of Praise…dedicated to Justin….

My home is a palace,

A temple of praise.

A place of worship,

A portal of joy.

A launching pad

‘Tis my jumping off place

I embrace and am renewed

I bask in the Master’s grace.

I have sunlight enough

To flood over my face.

The moonlight calls me

To its sweet embrace.

The serenity, the safety

the sensuousness of the place

Often has me blushing

With enjoyment of this space.

I live among the joyful.

I live among the free.

I live with joy and laughter.

Come over one day for tea.

My home is a palace,

A temple of praise.

A place of worship,

A portal of joy.

I thrive on the abundance.

I move within the song.

I wish I had the time

To be here in my palace

All day long.

I would fluff up my pillows.

I would turn the music down low.

I would put my feet up.

I would read or relax.

I would make the baby quilt.

I would paint my picture.

Or draw.

I would never have to go to work

I would not have to be a part of the maw.

I would sit and watch the birds

As they play among the trees.

Alas, I have my obligations…

I have clothes to mend.

A pot tea is waiting

While I eat bannock with my friend.

My home is a palace,

A temple of praise.

A place of worship,

A portal of joy.

I saw the Master’s hands

I saw the Master’s hands

In every tree and brook.

I felt His sweet caress

Everywhere I looked.

The clouds, the trees,

the birds, the breeze

all were an expression of love for me.

 

I felt the Master’s touch

in the majestic mountainside.

I basked in the sweet kiss

as the morning mist

crashed, crushed and caressed me inside.

 

I was helped, held, and healed in the embrace

Of my loving Higher Power.

The Sunlight of the  Spirit

Rolled over me.

Again and again.
I am now in a holy place.

 

I was washed in the mountain rain.

I was cleansed in a Ocean filled

With love and mercy.

It removed the first hundred layers of pain.

 

The waterfall in the mountains

renewed me through and through.

I am ready to rejoin life.

I might even want to be with you.

 

The love of Master is always with me.

I know that more today.

I am glad I went to the mountains.

I am so glad I stopped to pray.

I was helped, held, and healed  in the embrace

Of my loving Higher Power.

The Sunlight of the  Spirit

Rolled over me.
It stays with me this hour.

Grief for a time or a season…the shards in the Mountain.

I watched the sky.
I wondered ‘why?’
(Why is life more intense?)
I watched as my pain
Formed into rain.
It renewed the earth as it fell.
The earth sprung up
Into the mountainous skies.
The beauty was shards to Soul.
I caressed the
shards with my eyes;
wanting it to cut deep.
Cut away the dross.
Cut away the loss.
The peaks were covered with misty fog.
The peaks were covered in rain.
The peaks were breathing in glorious snow.
I was very jealous.
I needed to feel that connected.
I wanted to lie on the top mountain peak.
I wanted to caress the forest’s floor.
I wanted to know.
I wanted to be.
I wanted to be real.
I craved renewal and purpose.
I needed to be free
of the pain of your passing.
I wanted to feel.
Stillness.
Freedom.
I longed for
a mission.
I had to have
the compulsion to go onward.
I did not feel anything like that at all.
Then the Sun came out.
It silhouetted the trees
Covered them in a raindrop-halo
which glistened.
While they danced in the breeze:
the beauty poured over me,
the beauty bombarded Soul,
the beauty went through me.
I drove away whole.
Now in the rear-view mirror
I have my direction.
I will return to the mountains
I will walk through the valleys and peaks.
I will do the next ‘right thing’.
I will be a mountain or raindrop.
Depending on the day.
I will be in touch with my life.
I will learn to say no
To the needs of another
When my own needs are intense.
I will return to these mountains
when I need to get in touch
With my loving departed parents
Whom I long to hold so much.
I put a rock in my pocket.